Parenting

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Guilt. What is it good for? Are you trying to do too much?

January 2009

If you’re a red-blooded, breathing mom, feeling guilty is as natural as blinking your eyes. We feel guilty over things we should do, shouldn’t do, can’t do, want to do, don’t want to do, have to do and the list goes on. The biggest reasons why we feel so guilty all the time is the enormous pressure and high expectations we put on ourselves.  We look at society, friends, and family as the standard for what a good mom “should” be. It’s time to stop “shoulding” on yourself. It sets you up for failure and feeds the Guilt Gremlin.

Excessive guilt can paralyze you if you let it. It prevents you from making sound decisions and proper choices. It stunts your personal growth and kills your confidence. That being said, it’s normal and quite healthy to have guilty feelings and thoughts from time to time. It’s how you know you have compassion for other people’s feelings. But it’s vital for your well-being (and the well-being of your family) that you get past the guilt and move on.

Here’s how:

1. Figure out what ’s causing your guilt . Is your guilt appropriate? In the grand scheme of things, how much does this issue matter? Is it going to affect your life or family in the next year? If it’s not that big of a deal, let it go.

2. Acknowledge your guilt and learn from it . If your guilt is justified, take the necessary steps to make things right. Assess the situation and apologize. Next time you feel like you’re going to lose it, take a break and come back with a clear head. Take things off your “to do” list . Moms often feel guilty about all the things they can’t do or don’t have time to do. Take a look at your schedule, prioritize and remove the unnecessary tasks. Learn to say no to things you don’t want to do so you can free up some time for the things that are important.

3. Lower your expectations. Moms think they should be able to do it all — perfectly. Stop trying to be “Supermom”. She doesn’t exist! When you feel yourself getting frazzled and caught up, remind yourself thatyou’re doing the best you can. Your baby doesn’t care that you have 10 more pounds to lose—she just spit up on herself!

4. Learn to love yourself . Instead of beating yourself up for all the things you didn’t do right today or should’ve done differently, focus on the things you are doing right. Did you make your baby laugh? Are you one pound closer to fitting into your favourite jeans? Start to celebrate the small things in your life and be proud of the mom that you are. You are exactly what your baby needs.

5. Live by your values . It’s so easy to get caught up in the latest trends, gadgets and programs. But giving in to everything can leave you feeling confused, stressed out and full of doubt. Put down the US magazine and decide what’s right for you, your family, and your budget and go from there.

6. Stick to your guns. Decide with your partner what your limits, rules and regulations are for your kids. Be consistent and firm. Your kids will try to manipulate you and make you feel guilty. Tell yourself that you are making them better people by giving them boundaries and discipline. Accept that your kids won’t always like you but they’ll be more prepared for the “real world” and one day they’ll thank you for it.

7. Make yourself a priority. A lot of moms feel guilty for wanting to go back to work, taking the time to shave BOTH legs, or going to dinner alone with a friend. They think that they are better moms if they sacrifice their needs to give themselves entirely to their kids. What that breeds is a mom who is tired, stressed out, frazzled, depressed, resentful and angry. Would you want to spend time with someone like that? When you take a break or explore your passions, you get recharged, rejuvenated and refreshed. You’re able to face the crayon drawing on the wall in a much more calm, rational manner. So do everyone a favour and schedule in some alone time.

8. Practice good role modeling. We all want our kids to be kind, respectful and caring individuals who go after their dreams and goals. But how can we expect them to learn these important skills when we’re at their beck and call, fighting their battles and neglecting our needs and wants? It’s important for kids to learn independence, to become self-sufficient, and know that mommy has a life too. So the next time you feel guilty for something that you want to do, remind yourself that
you’re doing it for your kids.

Action challenge:

Take a look at this list and choose to change one thing today. When the guilty feelings emerge, tell yourself:“I am doing
the best that I can. I am important too.” It’s time get over the guilt. It’s really not good for anything.

Carly Cooper is The Work/ Life Balance Expert. She helps working moms who struggle with trying to do it all find some balance so they can raise a happy family and have a successful career at the same time. Carly has her Coaching Certification from the ICF Accredited Coach Training Alliance Program.

To receive your FREE copy of her Special Report called “105 Simple Ways To Attract Inner Balance, Better Relationships and Work That You Love” and to sign up for her FREE Balance the Mother Load™ Newsletter visit her website at www.listenincoaching.com or email her at carly@listenincoaching.com.

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