Parenting

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In addition to our special Parenting articles listed below, all our cover stories and many of the Q & A's contain parenting information. 

Tweens, Teens and Sibling Rivalry

March 2009

It’s pretty much a given that if you have siblings in your home, there will be some rivalry. The causes can be
diverse: jealousy, attention, lack of sleep, grouchiness. Regardless, as parents we spend a lot of our time either jumping in to solve the fights or at least wishing they would stop.

These interactions seem reasonable when our children are toddlers and preschoolers because they are learning to function in the world. Once they have figured it out, we expect to just move on. One of the biggest misconceptions our clients face is that once we have taught a child something, we won’t have to teach it again. Parenting really is a series of re-teaching to match the changing levels of development, both cognitive and hormonal.

Will all siblings be best friends?
The answer is no. This can be a hard fact to face. Our children may have different temperaments and different interests. As they grow and develop into young adults, they may grow apart or together. What we can expect of our children is for them to treat each other respectfully. The sibling relationship is an amazing one for teaching our children interpersonal relationship skills: accepting differences and living with differences.

One way to foster this relationship is to establish a common ground for sibs who differ. We can plan joint activities or just spend time together playing games or sharing meals, possibly creating meals or working on a project.

It can be frustrating when a relationship that had been working well starts to shift as one child grows into a new stage and wishes to leave the younger sib behind. This is especially common as adolescence begins. Suddenly a tween or teen feels that her younger brother is too childish, or wishes to spend more time with friends than with him. He learns that by pestering her, he can get the attention and the power in the relationship that had been taken away. It’s not only younger brothers who are at issue here. Sibling rivalry crosses all ages and genders.

There are two big parenting concerns that come with this shift:
1. Knowing when to jump in and what to say when you do jump in.
2. Teaching our children to treat each other respectfully.

Jumping in
Rule number one is SAFETY . If kids are getting hurt (mentally or physically) we need to stop it.

Separate the kids first and then deal with solving the problem. Often when we jump in to separate this kind of rivalry, we are at the point of losing control ourselves. There may be a tendency to jump in and declare one child the aggressor and one child the victim. The children can fall into these roles and the whole process becomes a habit. If you feel yourself about to blame, shame, scream, hit or otherwise lose it (maybe you have already started these behaviours), close your mouth. If you have to talk, describe facts or feelings:

“I see people getting hurt here.”

“This is not the way we treat people in our family.”

“You two need some help getting your bodies under control.”

“I am scared when I see you treating each other this way.”

“You guys are mad, but this has to stop.”

Once the kids are separated and the hurting has stopped, all parties will need some time to calm down. When everyone is calm and you have a reasonable amount of unpressured time, the solution to the problem at hand can begin.

Discuss each person’s feelings about the situation. You may choose to use some kind of a “talking stick” during this process so that only the person holding the stick talks and everyone else must listen. Once this is completed, different solutions can be offered and one agreed upon. Ideally, when our kids are this age, we aren’t doing much of the talking. They are taking responsibility for solving their own problems. However, if they have not been taught to do this, we need to take the time to teach this skill. Also, we should be available to our children in the role of a facilitator or resource. Our presence in the discussion may help to keep them calm and we can offer assistance when asked, presuming our kids have tried to do it themselves initially.

Teaching respect – accepting and living with differences

Our kids learn about relationships through their interactions in the home. Living with respect for ourselves and each other teaches our kids how to treat others. There will be many differences among the children in our home, not to mention all family members, as our children begin to think and act more independently. We won’t always agree with the decisions they make, but that doesn’t mean that every “different” decision
is an incorrect one. Sharing and modeling our values to our children throughout their development is a way of encouraging thoughtful decision-making and problem-solving. Many they will accept, and others they will change. That is their right as an individual, especially as they leave home and begin their own life.

We all have differences inside and out of the home. Learning how to accept these differences and face the ones that are challenging is an integral part of growing up. We can begin to teach this process of problem solving when our children are quite young (4 or 5) and can encourage it as our children continue to grow.

At Parenting Power™, we call this process the Family Power Hour™. It is a time for families to work together to generate solutions to problems that don’t seem easily solved. Let’s revisit the example listed above – that of the adolescent sister with the pesky younger brother.

One might choose to work through this problem with the whole family all at once. Another alternative is to take time to speak separately with each child and then bring them together for the Family Power Hour.

When we try to find solutions, we do so at a time of peace. We are not running off to soccer practice or talking just before bed when everyone is cranky. We warn people that the discussion will happen and if we can, offer some choice about when, to give them some control over the situation:

“We really need to work on a solution to what’s been happening with you and your brother. Would you rather talk about it tomorrow morning or would after lunch be better?”

The first thing we focus on is feelings. Much of the time, a misbehaviour is the symptom of feelings that aren’t being expressed verbally. When we can touch on the feelings, we can begin to find ways to express the feelings that are respectful and the misbehaviours are no longer required.

We might say to the sister:
“It seems like you are spending more time with your friends right now and that Joe is really getting on your nerves.”

To the brother:
“It looks to me like you really would like to spend more time with Sarah. Are you frustrated that she’s out so much now?”

Once each child realizes what they are feeling and can verbalize it clearly, we have the opportunity to bring them together and share those feelings. From there, we can start to generate solutions to the problem. If necessary, the parent might ask:
“So how can you each get what you want while treating each other with respect? Are there ways for you to still hang out together?”

Write down all of the suggestions, no matter how silly they seem at the time. This shows all parties that you respect their suggestions and that they are involved in the process. When your list is complete, read it aloud and cross out any ideas that won’t work for all parties. Make a choice of what is left. This is your first solution.

DON’T STOP NOW!
Agreeing on a solution is not the last step of the process. Just because everyone knows what it should look like in the end, doesn’t mean that everyone knows how to get there. There needs to be a plan.

For example, if the final solution is ‘We will spend time together twice a week’, that’s a great place to start but some details need to be arranged:

When will this time happen?
Who will schedule it?
Will it be the same time every week?
What if something comes up?
How will the kids respectfully tell each other if there is a problem?

Problem-solving means taking the time to consider the details so that the solution can really work and so that the kids have the tools to respectfully handle things that occur.

Lastly, mark a date on the calendar a few weeks out to check-in with each other and see that things are working. If they aren’t, there may be a few adjustments that need to be made.

This process sounds like it will take time. It will. It is an investment of time in the lives of the people we cherish the most. When added up, it is probably comparable to the time spent stopping the two of them from arguing. However, instead of blaming and shaming, we are teaching them that they are capable of handling problems on their own. We are sending our children out into the world with skills that they will use in the workplace, in leisure and in their own homes someday.

Sibling rivalry can be the kick in the pants to teach our children some valuable lessons while they are still young enough to learn.

For more information about this column and other parenting questions, contact us at
info@parentingpower.ca.

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