Parenting

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In addition to our special Parenting articles listed below, all our cover stories and many of the Q & A's contain parenting information. 

ACTIONS - Say Much More than Words

Strategies to communicate and connect with your kids

By Julie Freedman Smith and Gail Bell

“Jana called us from Toronto in tears,
“I just don’t get it!  When I tell my kids to do anything, they don’t. I have to repeatedly call them to dinner, ask them to help and beg them to brush their teeth. Why won’t they listen?”

Ontario or BC, Quebec or Alberta – it doesn’t matter what language is being used; many kids ignore one or both of their parents. Our clients frequently complain of this same frustration. “It was different when we were kids,” explained one dad we know, “If my parents said do it, I did it right away. I would never have been able to say no.” Was it really that way? It’s hard to say for sure, perhaps it is selective memory, or perhaps our parents had other means of getting us to listen.

Each generation develops its own parenting strategies. When we were kids, we knew what would happen if we didn’t listen. Now that parents aren’t so quick to use physical discipline, many are struggling to figure out how to get their kids to do anything. Awareness of the situation is the first step to finding a solution.

Learn to walk the talk

Let’s look at what happens when Jana needs her kids to come to dinner. They are downstairs watching their favourite show on TV which is just about finished. She calls them from the kitchen, “Are you guys ready for dinner?” She doesn’t get a reply so she heads to the top of the stairs. “Guys, are you ready for dinner?” “Kind of.” Wow – they heard her, but they aren’t turning off the TV even though the show they were watching is done. Jana heads downstairs. “It’s dinner time guys. Are you coming?” The kids are still watching the commercials for what’s coming next. “I really want to watch just one more show mom. Please can we watch it?” “WHAT PART OF IT’S TIME FOR DINNER DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!” Jana grabs the remote, turns off the TV and chases the kids up the stairs. Everyone sits at the table and eats in frustrated grumbles. “I don’t like this. Why did you make this?” One can only imagine the script for the rest of the meal until everyone calms down and the argument is forgotten - except it won’t be forgotten because in many families, the same script returns each day.

Why won’t Jana’s kids listen? They are listening – to her actions. Her words and her actions are communicating two different things. Let’s review the scenario and watch what her actions are telling the children:

1.     Jana calls from the kitchen: she asks a question and her actions tell them they can ignore her because she is far away and she won’t make them listen the first time.

2.     Jana calls from the top of the stairs: she asks a question again and doesn’t react to a non-committal response to her question. At this point she has given no direct instructions to her kids with her words. Her actions say, “Don’t bother listening to me yet.”

3.     Jana heads downstairs: she asks if they are coming and they answer her that they would rather not.

4.     The fourth time is different: she yells a question at them this time. The yelling is one clear action – they know that they are supposed to listen when she yells. Other actions also show she means it: she turns of the TV and moves her kids upstairs.
Jana’s words spoke four times as did her actions. However, it was only the actions that were used in the fourth approach that showed her kids that she needed them to stop what they were doing and go upstairs for dinner.

Work towards building respect

With Jana aware of her actions, the next step was making the plan to change them. We asked Jana what she wanted the situation to look like. She wanted her kids to show respect by listening to her the first time. She felt that their actions were communicating disrespect. Actions speak so loudly to all of us.

Jana wanted the kids to listen to her the first time she told them to come for dinner. We gave her a few real life parenting tools:

1.     Be sure that your kids know your expectations and the consequences of their actions before the TV goes on:
“When this show ends, it will be time for dinner. I will give you one warning and I expect you to turn off the TV and come upstairs as soon as you are asked. When you show me you can do this, you will get a chance to do it again tomorrow. When you show me you have trouble getting up from the TV, we’ll skip TV tomorrow and you can practice responsibility with the TV on again the next day. I think you will have learned it by then.”

2.     Check in to be sure that the communication is clear:
“What did you hear me say? What will happen if you don’t come?”

3.     When it is time for the warning, go to the children so that you can be there to follow through immediately. You will only tell them one time before you make them act. Don’t give them the chance to pretend that they didn’t hear you.

4.     Say what you mean, don’t ask questions:
“It is time to turn off the TV and come up for dinner.” (Not, “Are you guys ready for dinner?”)

5.     When they do what you asked, say, “I knew you could do this!”

6.     When they don’t do what you asked, say, “Looks like you need me to turn this off today and tomorrow we won’t turn the TV on, then we can try again the next day. I see you are upset, please head upstairs for dinner now.”

Frustrating parenting moments happen to everyone. Begin with awareness of your communication style. Align your words and actions. Be respectful to everyone in your family by using one of our favourite mantras: ACT don’t YAK!

 

Pull quotes:

“ Align your words and actions. Be respectful to everyone in your family by using one of our favourite mantras: ACT don’t YAK!”

 

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