Parenting

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In addition to our special Parenting articles listed below, all our cover stories and many of the Q & A's contain parenting information. 

Finding Resilience for You and Your Child

February 2007

“I said NO! Now go to your room and leave your brother alone!” It was three o’clock and I was already shouting. This was the kind of day I dreaded and there were still hours to go before a meal – which I had to prepare and serve – and then that precious moment when the kids were in bed and I could breathe. How was I going to go on? I collapsed at the kitchen table, bent my head over the residual lunch dishes and began to cry.  

We’ve all been there – or somewhere close to it. Parenting throws challenges at us constantly. That is why resiliency must be an attainable quality for us as parents and also for our children.  

Resiliency (noun) :

1. The ability to recover quickly from depression or discouragement: “Her innate resiliency helped her through the witching hour”.

2. Flexibility

- Roget’s II The New Thesaurus 

If our goal as parents is to raise independent, responsible, resilient individuals, we need to model those characteristics for them and we can’t do that by spending a large amount of time sobbing into soggy PB and J crusts. But where does resiliency come from? How can we get it, keep it and teach it? A lack of resiliency is evident when one finds one’s self yelling at one’s children or their slammed bedroom doors. It is overwhelming when, out of sheer exhaustion, one gives in to a tantrum or bribes one’s child to satisfy desires. It hovers nearby when one dreads the thought of a new day starting or the kids coming home from school. It is not a nice place to be – but one that we all find ourselves in from time to time. If you have made a permanent residence in the absence of resilience, it is time to make a change. 

The change that creates resiliency is affected through two kinds of action: what we say to our children and what we say to ouselves.  Every time we interact with our children, we have a choice: to react thoughtlessly or to thoughtfully act. The former may already be happening – ultimately it is exhausting. The latter takes a lot more work at the outset, but feels better for all involved when all is said and done. Knowing how we will respond when things go wrong (and even when things go well) can make a huge difference in the day’s outcome. Using an internal script made up of respectful language to express emotions and limits will result in your children learning to handle situations appropriately and listening to you rather than tuning you out. 

We call this Parenting with a Plan™ and we’ve mentioned it before. It’s about evaluating recurring situations that are bringing you down and reworking these scenarios so that they turn out the way you want them to. Once you know what you want your plan to look like, you can create respectful language to use and you can inform your kids about the new vision you are creating. This enables everyone to work toward a new family habit and keeps everyone -and especially you - feeling confident and capable about handling those moments that you know are coming.

To continue feeling confident, we also need to be aware of what we are telling ourselves throughout the day. We can become pretty low if our minds are filled with:

“She doesn’t respect me, and that’s why she ignores me.”

“He is going to sass me for the rest of his life – I’ve got 14 more years of this until he leaves home!”

“I’m the adult here and I’d better show those kids that I’m louder and stronger than they are – then they’ll listen!”

“Why I am I such a bad parent?” 

We can change what we are telling ourselves to boost our resiliency. When the toddler says “No!” for the 34^th time, we can think, “Wow, this ‘no stage’ can be tricky, but it’ll pass.” 

When our seven-year-old says, “You are the MEANEST MOM EVER! I HATE YOU!” we can think, “She’s obviously really frustrated; she probably needs a hug.” 

When our teenager says, “Mom, you just don’t get it – leave me alone!” we can think, “Getting mad right now won’t solve anything; when he’s calm, we’ll figure out how to face this.” 

Setting ourselves up for success internally can be one of the best ways to stay resilient. If we don’t take this step, we can end up spiraling downward with depressing self-talk. Our children need us to support them through their development with a calm demeanor, especially when they are anything but calm. 

Once we have begun to build resiliency in ourselves and to model it for our children, we can take the time to teach it in other ways as well. Our children meet with challenges daily, both externally (”Molly and Sara didn’t let me play with them today”) and internally, (”How come I have such an ugly face?”). We can foster self-esteem by encouraging our children and helping them to feel that they belong, that they are loved and capable. 

This is more about noticing their deeds than about judging them for what they do. This can occur when negative behaviour comes our way: 

“I saw you hit – that behaviour is not appropriate.”  

As parents we are getting more familiar with talking about a child’s ‘bad’ behaviour rather than a ‘bad’ child. We can apply the same techniques when things are more positive: 

“I saw you help your brother pack his bag today – that showed kindness.”  

If we strive to show unconditional love for our children, their actions shouldn’t impact whether we love them or believe in them. Helping a sibling doesn’t make them a better person, just as hitting a sibling doesn’t make them a worse person.  

Meeting our children where they are, encouraging their participation in problem-solving, and supporting them with unconditional love will foster self-esteem and resiliency. Figure out how to capture it for yourself and then teach those beings who rely on you. They are watching your words and your actions. Take baby steps, breathe, and together you will find resiliency.

 

Authors: Gail Bell and Julie Freedman Smith of Parenting Power

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